Happiness is Stupid
A Terrifying Thought Experiment

What Happens When The Dude Who Plays Acoustic Guitar In The Quad and The Finance/Tech Bro Have A Kid

Christ calls us to love our enemy. The internet calls us to out our friends for calling New Balance gay in the 90's. I would really like this blog to remain above the internet fray, and not go in for cheap take downs or even really any prolonged insults of famous people. Unfortunately, my disdain for Beto O'Rourke cannot be confined by the tenets of my faith or the physical laws of our universe. Seeing this took my breath away. 

Far from identifying myself by my sexuality or complexion, I identify mostly as fat-American and lazy-American. Those are my tribes. As such, the idea of an employer, especially one who leads a frenetic and unsuccessful campaign, asking colleagues to participate in some sort of impromptu physical challenge outrages me. The internet version of me wants to say this anecdote reveals something deeper about Beto.

I'm not sure if the following speculative fiction is accurate, but it will be an account of why I suspect Beto may have done this. Basically, I think he's a fraud. I think our politics are full of frauds. So full, in fact, that we have separate archetypes for them. The homophobic GOP lawmaker who pays for a rent-boy's apartment might be the one people take the most joy in discovering (understandably). On the other hand, and I think as most liberals would admit, there are democratic politicians who are communist in the streets and fascist in the sheets. That is, their political ideology revolves around themes of fairness and justice while they run their personal lives and offices like the pettiest tyrant. What's worse about Beto is that I think he thinks this incident was an example of him being a 'fun boss.'

And maybe it was fun. Maybe if I knew the specific employees he had challenged, the culture of his campaign, or how his closest staff relate to him, I would know that this was an acceptable thing to do. Admittedly, I don't know any of that and the conclusions I've jumped to are the worst ones. 

But one reason I'm unwilling to give Beto the benefit of the doubt is he is oblivious.  His most essential personality trait is being ignorant of how ridiculous he is. We live in an era of unqualified politicians, but Barack Obama new that a short stint in the Senate was necessary before he could ride on rhetoric and intellectual brilliance alone. Flame-outs like Senator Marco Rubio, once a presumptive future president, show the wisdom of running for office earlier and earlier. 

But Beto, perhaps seeing Trump's total non-experience in politics serve him as an asset, looked at his own nothing of a life and saw only opportunity. Beto became a congressman in 2013 at the age of 40 after unremarkable efforts in music and business. He became famous for losing an election to the most hated member of the Senate, Ted Cruz. Beto told new refugees taken in by the United States that this country is ruled by white supremacy, but if privilege had an avatar, it would have Beto O'Rourkes face. For someone to even attempt to make a career of being in a "post-harcore" band, you have to either be very brave or very unfamiliar with the concept of poverty. There is no evidence Beto is brave, but oh, did you know his in-laws might be billionaires?

Candidates like Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders are compelled to defend their place at the democratic nominee table given that they share so many characteristics with those who historically ruled America. They justify this place with a history of successful (debatable) political achievements in the case of Biden or lifetime commitment to an ideological project in the case of Sanders. Just how in the fuck does Beto believe he deserves a place at this table? Even if he didn't believe that white people should "get out of the way," his candidacy would be wholly unjustifiable on the merits.

If you are short and out of shape like me, it is helpful when you meet a taller, handsomer, more successful man if they act like the dickhead you imagine them to be. They work for JP Morgan, but they're more excited about the app they're working on with friends from Princeton, you know? What is infinitely worse is the tall, handsome man who has it all but also needs to be seen as kind, as intellectual, and most of all special. Having been the winning player of various genetic lotteries, men like Beto are not content to go through life using their physical status to attract women and money, they also need to invade the underground space of us Morlocks, and steal the things we treasure that aren't supposed to hold value in their world. In other words, they are the most selfish and needy people on earth.

This is all a little fictitious. Beto's handsomeness isn't that remarkable and we don't know how much money he has. I'm not that fat or short (sure, Evan), and tall people are not generally more obnoxious than anyone else. Still, I can't really fathom someone who looks like Beto and has lived Beto's life saying he can be the champion of the downtrodden with a straight-face. To do such a thing, you have to be at least two types of stupid. The first kind, the frat boy, wall street kind of ignorant stupidity we already addressed. The worse kind though is the stupidity of the guy who plays acoustic guitar at college parties or on the green. All this time, Beto's been fucking off height and money, but he thinks it's because of his deep lyrics. What a doofus. 


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